Returning Home

I never thought I’d be writing about my journey home, but here I am. I suppose I’ve become rather accustomed to writing out my thoughts in an effort to make sense of them. Coming home is such an out of body experience. The feeling of stepping off of that plane and walking down the stairs of the Billings airport was like floating on air. It is the strangest thing to run into the arms of those you love most and whom you haven’t seen for so long. It’s like a puzzle that all just fits and no time has passed at all. Yet, at the same time, there’s a gap created by time and distance which you must learn to cross. I am very glad to be home. I love being at work again and I love being with my friends and my family; however, the transition is one that takes getting used to. Everyone warns you of this but honestly, I wasn’t all that nervous about it; I was prepared for change when I came home. I knew my school, my work, and my new house were all going to have an effect, but I didn’t care, I just wanted to be home. Yet, I find myself slipping into that longing of how things were before I left. I am envious of the familiarity and the surety I had. Which is funny considering how scared I was when I left. I’d never been afraid of anything so much, yet here I am, in the very place I feel safest, feeling so much more frightened. It’s funny how God likes to change your plans and expectations. When I say funny I mean frustrating, difficult, stressful, and disappointing. I had wonderful imaginings for my summer back and how it was to look and for my final year at school this fall. What I forgot was all the little adult things that invade into your fantasies and make everything so unpleasantly real. I’d love to go back and escape into the world of beautiful cathedrals, green landscape, ruined castles, and rich history… only I know that I would feel just as frightened there as I would here. Fear isn’t something you can run from, but it is something you can fight. Here’s the thing, life on this earth never goes according to plan. I should rephrase that: life on this earth never goes according to our plan. This world is full of the beautiful things of God and yet it is tainted with the horrible reality of our sin. I was unprepared for how oppressive the fear of the future can be. I wonder about where I will be in five years; will I be teaching the literature I love so well? Will I have found someone to lead me and love me? Will I have started a family and be learning how to raise children of my own? I hope so, but vain hope isn’t enough, I need something stronger. When I left, I asked God to use my experiences and lessons learned in the UK to influence and prepare me for my new adventure at home. That looks differently now than how I expected it to look. I am learning and growing in Christ probably more than if things were going as I had so “perfectly planned”. I am learning that fear of the future is merely showing a weak faith. I am learning what it means to be content and satisfied in Christ alone. I am learning to trust what he has, even though it may not be what I thought I wanted. I am learning that I am not here to be merely happy and I am not here to serve myself; I am here to “glorify God and enjoy him forever”. And the greatest joy I can find is in doing this very thing. I’m not good at it yet, but I have the greatest helper I can get through the Holy Spirit. Plus there is one great advantage to being home; I am surrounded by people and a community that makes it bearable. People who have loved me and encouraged me through my foolish decisions, my worst days, and my weakest moments. The devil likes to make you think you are most alone when the very opposite is true. God give me strength to face the future...if there is success, happiness, and love so be it; if there is failure, pain, and loneliness so be it. Either way I have the love of someone far greater than I; someone who has loved me more than anyone else can or will, and not because of anything I have done. I have the Spirit of the Living God dwelling inside me and; therefore, no matter what else there is in my life, there will be peace, joy, and purpose.

“Go on to think of the love of the Son in its breadth, its length, its depth, its height; go on to know the love of Christ which passeth knowledge. Think of Him who came from Courts of Heaven and laid aside the insignia of His eternal glory and was born as a babe, worked as a carpenter, and endured the contradiction of sinners against Himself. Think of Him into whose holy face men spat and on whose brow they pressed a crown of thorns and into whose hands and feet the nails were hammered. There He is on the Cross. What is He doing there? There He dies for us, that you and I might be forgiven and reconciled to God. Think of his love, and as you come to know something about it, you will forget yourself.” –Martyn Lloyd Jones

Father I know that all my life is portioned out for me.

The changes that are sure to come I do not fear to see.

I ask Thee for a single mind intent on pleasing Thee;

I ask Thee for a single mind intent on pleasing Thee.

Anna L. Waring